Monday, January 5, 2009

Breaking News: Steve Jobs Reveals Health Problem

I made a mistake. Macworld keynote is tomorrow. Sorry. My bad.

But that doesn't mean I don't have any news to share with you. Steve Jobs has officially informed the Mac community through a letter written by him what his sickness is and that he's not dying. Here is the letter in its entirety:

Dear Apple Community,

For the first time in a decade, I’m getting to spend the holiday season with my family, rather than intensely preparing for a Macworld keynote.

Unfortunately, my decision to have Phil deliver the Macworld keynote set off another flurry of rumors about my health, with some even publishing stories of me on my deathbed.

I’ve decided to share something very personal with the Apple community so that we can all relax and enjoy the show tomorrow.

As many of you know, I have been losing weight throughout 2008. The reason has been a mystery to me and my doctors. A few weeks ago, I decided that getting to the root cause of this and reversing it needed to become my #1 priority.

Fortunately, after further testing, my doctors think they have found the cause—a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy. Sophisticated blood tests have confirmed this diagnosis.

The remedy for this nutritional problem is relatively simple and straightforward, and I’ve already begun treatment. But, just like I didn’t lose this much weight and body mass in a week or a month, my doctors expect it will take me until late this Spring to regain it. I will continue as Apple’s CEO during my recovery.

I have given more than my all to Apple for the past 11 years now. I will be the first one to step up and tell our Board of Directors if I can no longer continue to fulfill my duties as Apple’s CEO. I hope the Apple community will support me in my recovery and know that I will always put what is best for Apple first.

So now I’ve said more than I wanted to say, and all that I am going to say, about this.

Steve


Sounds great. I can't tell you how happy this makes me, it really lifts a weight off my shoulders. I hope he feels much better by late Spring.

A lot of people are actually mad at the letter (they find a way to be mad at everything Apple- or Jobs-related). They say it wasn't specific enough. For them, the letter had to state which hormones were imbalanced, what treatment he was under, etc. What I say to that is, come on you morons. Give the man a break. It's his own personal business, just like your health is. I understand that Apple should share with us what is happening with Dear Leader so that they don't manipulate the stocks, but this is where I draw the line.

More people say, "He came off pretty cranky," and "What's with the attitude?" My response: Wouldn't you be cranky too if you were just trying to enjoy the holidays for once, and the whole world was hanging on to every word you said, every action you made, and how your health was? He's obviously tired of all the "ZOMG STEVE JOBS IS DYING!!!" people who won't leave this matter alone. He's also probably tired of the news stories making really inaccurate claims about his health and about how Apple's doomed.

The way I see it, Steve Jobs isn't going anywhere, whether it's to a retirement home or to Heaven. He's here to stay, and as long as his treatment cures him as scheduled, I think we can expect to have him as CEO for years to come.

One last thing: Does this mean Fake Steve Jobs is coming back? Just saying.

-Derek

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