Handsome Tom, come on.

So I'm a g1 at ScrewAttack, a fantastic video game site that emphasizes community. And I know it's been like almost maybe a year now, but I still wish Handsome Tom was still on ScrewAttack. I mean seriously, what's the problem? Why can't the two founders of ScrewAttack be in the same room anymore? I don't care who the jerk is, or if it's both; I want Handsome Tom back at ScrewAttack.

So where is he now? He's at this really crappy site called The Game Heroes. That's a really lame name. I mean seriously, is that all they could come up with? You've got to be kidding me. It's pitiful. That's the perfect word to describe it with. It's a really pitiful attempt to stick it to Craig and say, "I don't need ScrewAttack!" Now that's great and all, but there's one problem: You're wrong. You do need ScrewAttack. If you want to ever be popular on the web again, then you need ScrewAttack. Let's face it, that's where you started. That's where you became popular. And now you're leaving it and starting something really dumb that you think is going to beat ScrewAttack.

Okay then, fair enough, I go to The Game Heroes' website. Looks like multiple ex-ScrewAttack people are here. Handsome Tom, Perfect Liz, and 8-Bit Mickey (previously New School Mickey) have all succumbed to the will to "stick it to Craig". Looking around, I see they have a lot of rip-offs of ScrewAttack features. There's Submission Saturday, there's a weekly podcast (actually two podcasts, I don't understand why they need two), there's a forum (but they're sneaky; they call it the 'message boards'), there's even a store. Now, Tom, none of this is going to work, for at least two reasons. Number one: the website is so freaking hard to navigate! I can't even find any videos with Handsome Tom in them. I can hardly find any videos at all. I would listen to the podcast but really, I don't give a crap about it. I don't care about The Game Heroes. It's just a heartless attempt to try to call themselves independent from ScrewAttack. Anyway, reason number two on why this is not going to work. Nobody cares about The Game Heroes. Let's face it. Nobody gives a crap. Just go on the forums at any time. Right now there are 3 people online on the Game Heroes 'message boards', only one of which is actually a registered user. At the same time, there are 24 people online at the ScrewAttack forums. And by the way, it's three in the morning. Nobody has passion for your fake site like people have passion for ScrewAttack.

Tom. Man. Please. Stop embarrassing yourself. It's just getting more and more embarrassing with every day that you choose to stay with your really stupid website. I remember when you were cool, when you actually made videos all the time, and you were friends with Craig. Please. Please. Go back to ScrewAttack. I'm sure they'll accept your apology. Just go. Hurry. Right now. They're waiting. And bring Mickey along. And Liz. Sell your website or something. Just leave the anger behind. Okay? Thanks.

-Derek