Outrageous Ballmer Interview

Steve Ballmer, AKA Uncle Fester, CEO of Microsoft, crazy man and idiot, was recently interviewed by PC Magazine. I'd like to take you through the Mac portion of this interview and give some commentary.

PC Magazine: Microsoft is the icon of the PC. What do you think about the Apple commercials: "I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC"?

Ballmer: I think they need a little bit of correction, and you'll see us be much more vigorous about stating the case for the PC. The truth of the matter is, this is ironic. The PC outsells the Mac 33 to 1—32 to 1.

Derek: (And as we all know, if product A sells better than product B, product A is ALWAYS better. That's some grade-A logic right there. That's like saying McDonald's must be better than Majjiano's because it's more popular.)

Ballmer: ...look, PCs are better than Macs. That is not something that can be debated. 32 out of every 33 times, somebody buys a PC instead of a Mac.

Derek: (Yeah, we heard you the first time. This is typical Microsoft, trying to pull wool over the customers' eyes and not giving them all of the facts. The real facts are that Apple's becoming more and more popular every day, as more and more people are being frustrated with Windows Vista, Microsoft's big mistake. And what's even more entertaining is that while Microsoft said before that Vista wasn't what they wanted at all, now they're trying to make it look like Vista was great all along.)

Then Ballmer starts saying all these meaningless lies about Mac and PC that he's hoping PC users won't realize are lies.

Ballmer: You know, they act like Macs are lightweight, but there are much lighter weight PC notebooks.

Derek: (Okay, maybe TECHNICALLY there exist lighter weight PCs than the MacBook Air. But really, how much lighter than three pounds do you need it? And besides, are you willing to bet that those lighter weight PCs suck much harder than MacBook Airs do? I certainly am!)

Ballmer: Macs-- Do they have the best battery power? Of course they don't have the best battery power.

Derek: (.................Wasn't this guy just talking about how lightweight you can get a PC? Now he's talking about battery power? Let me clarify one thing: lightweight PCs don't have ANY kind of good battery power. The MacBook Air has very good battery life for its kind because it has a huge battery. Plus, MacBooks have at least a 5 hour battery life. That's all I really need. And this ultra-thick PC I'm having the displeasure of using right now? You unplug it when it's fully charged and it'll go out in about fifteen minutes. I am dead serious.)

Ballmer: Do Macs work in a business? No, they do not.

Derek: (Uh... yes they do. They have Microsoft Office which Microsoft gave Apple. And if that's not enough, Macs have iWork 08, which has way better software than Microsoft Office, and it's compatible with the same document formats. Also, MacDailyNews.Com made an insightful statement about this kind of accusation: "This is why Mac users should not buy Office, by the way; Microsoft will take your money and then immediately turn around and ignore your very existence." And by the way, for the last time, ANY MAC CAN RUN WINDOWS XP OR VISTA. You can have anything that's on a PC put on a Mac, except now it runs way better because it's on better hardware. So therefore, they're actually BETTER in a business than PC's are.)

There were some parts where Fester just started stuttering, talking too fast for his brain, and looking like he's about to go out of control. As he insightfully said at one point:

Ballmer: You know, there are so many-- You know, can you find Macs in-- I'm very sensitive to what mouse I have on my laptop.

Nicely said. And by the way, can't you get pretty much any USB mouse for a Mac? Not to mention Mighty Mouse works perfectly for me. He is seriously running out of arguments.

Ballmer: So 32 out of 33 times, people chose PCs, there must be something better about the PC, and that's a story that deserves to be told. I think it's a story of choice.

Derek: (There he goes again with the "32 out of 33 times" crap, since he's run out of things to say. We heard you the first and second times! We get the point!)

So overall, what's most funny about these Mac and PC debates I keep getting into with people on the Internet and in my regular life is that I keep making the same points, and nobody has ever made a counter-point. For example, Macs can run both Mac OS X (the most advanced operating system in the world) and Windows. PC's obviously can't beat that! They can't run Mac OS X so there's no way they can beat Macs. Not to mention, Windows runs much better on Macs. Sure it may cost some money, but if you get a PC, it will cost more money to keep upgrading the memory, buying new batteries, taking it in to get fixed, possibly buying a new one, etc etc etc, until you realize that all those costs added up to over twice the amount you would've paid just for a Mac. I've had three computers in my life. Every one of them except the current one screwed up somehow, and I'm sure any day now, this one will bite the dust too. How much money is that... about $2000?

Bottom line as always: Get a Mac. It will make you happy.